Sent: Friday, November 6, 2015 7:55 PM
Cc: Mommy
Subject: Putting my foot down in the bedroom!

Dearest Schmoogums,

I'm really pissed off now on your refusal to go along with my end of the bedroom role-playing agreement. I was able to swallow my pride and wear the ballerina costume with jester shoes, Gandalf hat and the Charles Manson style swastika drawn on my head with a Sharpie (which incidentally wouldn't come off for a week). I even allowed you to keep the embarrassing photos of me in that get up with a raging hard-on on Facebook and Instagram after I found out about them.

What I'm proposing isn't even half as embarrassing -- and I'm not even proposing any public humiliation on the side as you seem to have unilaterally decided for your request. All I want you to do is wear the TNG Season 1 Wesley Crusher mask while I dress up as Guinan and corn hole you with a smug look on my face while eating an Egg McMuffin.

The fact that you won't hold up your end of the bargain and return the favor absolutely enrages me. I'm so close to calling you a bad name, it isn't even funny.


P.S. Please don't beat the crap out of me again. I have the right to stand up for myself.